This short piece will help you see ways to face the fear you fear and find the freedom you long for so deeply.
It is fear that is usually the biggest obstacle to our growth and consequently our happiness. Fear at one stage served us well, teaching us to be wary of something that hurt us. In that respect pain is a survival mechanism to remove us from danger. The difficulty is that fear is undiscriminating and can keep us away from what we need and become a burden to our lives rather than a protector. Many of our fears arise in heightened states or when we were children lacking an adult understanding of the world. This means that they are very deep inside us and don’t yield easily to reason. As an example, think of the fear of heights which is almost instinctive and for good reasons. Imagine a railway sleeper, an eight- inch wide piece of strong timber some six feet long. On the ground most of us can walk along it with ease but hang it securely ten feet in the air and most of us would be unable to do so, however firmly it is fixed. I am reminded of those high glass floor bridges in the East which are completely safe but pump out the bridge walkers adrenaline, leading to many crawling across the floor of the bridge on all fours. If you haven’t seen this, there are a number of video clips on YouTube.
Fear makes less sense when it keeps us from what we want and need, for example, from being able to relax at work because of an intimidating colleague or manager. Fear of forming or keeping an intimate personal relationship or enjoying the sexual aspect of a relationship. As these things reflect natural needs we find ourselves tossed against the shoreline of our desire but unable to go forward as fear acts like a sea wall preventing the natural flow of our energy.
We may not know the reason for our fear or conversely, we may be very clear and link it directly to some abusive or unwelcome experience. There is no magic answer to overcoming fear but there are things that can help.
Tackle smaller fears you may have first.
They are less of a problem.
Success will help you to grow in confidence about dealing with bigger issues.
You will in particular experience that what seemed such a big problem seems much smaller on the other side of the door and that going through the fear was the door to release and joy. This can help a great deal in going towards greater challenges.
Sometimes it can help to imagine your fear happening and feel it as deeply as you can and repeat this experience until you run out of fear. This is most useful with fear that is shame based. The judgement you need to make in such a case is whether you can burn out your fear in your imagination rather than re traumatise yourself – in which case this would not be a good approach. It is about finding what works for you with your particular fears and personality.
The article I have previously written on Focusing may also be a helpful avenue for some people.
The friendship of others who have the same fears, particularly if they have overcome them can often be supportive and nourishing but it all depends on what is right for you.
Actively look for courses in personal growth centres or elsewhere that may help you. Experiential courses and workshops tend to be more effective than trying to think through fear. There are some excellent courses and teachers around if you choose with care. Courses led by women for women are also from what I have seen very powerful.
There may be ways to approach a fear that are less threatening. For example, I had a longstanding fear of fancy dress which I finally overcame in a party setting which was highly supportive with many people who knew and cared for me, rather than a party where it was an unfamiliar environment with lots of strangers. A male friend who had a fear of approaching women, pushed himself so many times into that situation that his fears literally fizzled out and he’s no longer uncomfortable or taking it personally if a woman does not feel interested in him.
Much will depend on the kind of fear and the level it is at. In my experience I was often working to bring down a fear to a level where I felt able to head into it, where at an earlier time the fear was too great and facing it would have reinforced the problem. In these cases, it was like an evolving relationship, with me manoeuvring until I found the courage to confront the fear.
Whatever steps you may take at some point you will have to either do something and live with moving into that feeling of risk or remain imprisoned. It is tough but there is a basic quality of courage that you have to find. And courage does not mean not being frightened. It means:
‘There is fear but I can deal with it and I do what is good for me even though it’s scary. I don’t want someday to look back and find the opportunity to sort it out has passed and feel I missed it. I am best placed to help myself. I am living a life with no regrets and the way to do that is to live with that attitude today, tomorrow and every day after that. The universe loves me and as I step forward its hand is there to greet me, its arm is there to hold me, it supports me to expand into my potential.”
It can be helpful to record a message like that on your phone and play it several times each night before you go to sleep, as this is a time in the day when internally you are particularly receptive. The other receptive time of the day is first thing when you wake up.
This can put these ideas into your head and that is a good thing. A fear is just a scary thought that keeps repeating itself so making new thoughts that embolden and encourage you can be very supportive. It is best to record any such clip as if all is going well as the subconscious only hears positives. If I say don’t think of a pink banana you will have the thought of one and if I say to myself I wlll not be frightened it tends to create fear. You may also find it helpful if you like reading to read, my Kindle ebook ‘Invisible’ by Hanos which is a practical guide to many ways in which to improve the quality of your life.
When you are ready to go into that fear, the Tantric Journey I can offer in the East Midlands or in London is the kind of deep experiential therapy that shifts fear; because it brings it out from deep within in you in a setting in which you feel so safe and loved that it dissolves before you.
You can have a bodywork session with your clothes on or a bodywork session including an oil massage but without a yoni massage if these feel safer, and feeling a sense of safety is a key part of healing. You might also want a friend to be present for some or all of a session, as that can be very reassuring. Tantric Journey East Midlands or in London works with your needs to meet your needs.
Love yourself, be good to yourself. Only you can do it and you can do it and this wonderful work can be the way you set yourself free.