I embarked upon the Tantric Journey over a year ago with the goal of getting in touch with my true and authentic self. I had been dealing with many challenging circumstances and responsibilities over a prolonged period of time – and being stuck in my head, I sought refuge in my professional persona, which unfortunately rendered me completely unaware of who I really was, deep down. I had read that this journey could also afford me some much needed guidance to re-discover my sexual identity by improving my self-awareness and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy.
Mal is an archetype of the wise sage, flowing with knowledge, proficiency and gentleness when he takes women like me – on a safe, yet challenging journey of healing. He provides a safe, comfortable & holistic atmosphere for women to explore sexual issues without judgment or fear. He effortlessly goes beyond talk therapy and into the hands-on realm of intimacy-interaction. It takes a dedicated individual like Mal to stand in his masculine essence before me, because I am very private and I do not trust easily. During the initial session, I don’t think I allowed myself to feel; I was totally nervous and numb, because old beliefs and patterns were showing up. Yet Mal, owing to the uncanny ability to sense his client’s innate needs, was clear in his approach to respectfully begin to empty my body of the stagnant negative energy that was causing all sorts of sensual challenges for me. I left after the first session already knowing that I needed to go back, to discover what I did not know and even more.
My journey has been slow owing to my disrupted focus from being amidst a trial separation. I had become overwhelmed by experiences of abandonment, betrayal and fear which underpinned my stress, insomnia, body image issues, lost intimacy and frustration. Learning to trust again and be open is extremely challenging. Mal has done what he can to help me move through my feelings of sadness about my relationship issues even as I rediscover my own buried feelings of sexuality and embrace the true definition of what self-love, sexuality and eroticism really is. But Mal is also tenacious – not letting my ego get away with anything, and making me hold myself accountable to all the parts of me that needed nurturing. The energy flow created by his leadership and facilitation is inspiring and enriching. Some of the treatment sessions so far have moved me into a state of deep relaxation and heart opening bliss; but overall these treatment sessions have been a great lesson of surrender and humility. Another valuable insight from these treatment sessions as well as the overall Tantric journey is that of intent, which in my view determines sexual meaning; both to ourselves as women and to those with whom we engage intimately. Indeed, for me the most potentially moving experience within these treatment sessions is derived from a willingness to interact honestly. When I am open, attracted and sincere, I have the most to give and to receive. It did however take some time for me to realise that I could be safe in the expression of my sexual energy and in the vulnerability of ecstasy.
These sessions have also opened me to a deeper willingness to do the personal work that is required to increase my energy and life force through a consistent practice of undergoing regular physical and emotional detox sessions. I have since explored various ways to improve my meditation practice through breath work, Ayurvedic food detox sessions and sound healing sessions. In addition, reading relevant books (viz. Taoist Secrets of Love – Cultivating Female Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia and Sexual Secrets – The Alchemy of Ecstasy by authors Nik Douglas & Penny Slinger) further helped dispel my earlier scepticism that was rooted in an incomplete understanding of Tantra & Taoism.
With patience and determination in continuing these sessions, I am learning the ropes of sensate focus exercises which helps me reconnect with the lost sensual part of myself and it has enabled me to risk dropping out of my head so I could actually experience how my feelings affected my physical body through a simple touch. I have now recognized my own body’s limitations and abilities and feel more flexible as I gradually learn to re-connect with my body; to let go and relax deeply and also to experience pleasure that energizes and lasts for days afterwards. Being unaware that my body was capable of becoming so alive and sensitive, it came as welcomed surprise when my energy was first raised and felt, as it is like electricity running all over me. Of equal importance was my relief to realize that I am not ‘broken’ in an area that, for a woman, should be nurtured and loved.
I’m beginning to feel a lot more settled, calmer and less subjugated and I’ve steadily become more content by just being in stillness with myself as I attain a new, higher level of clarity in my daily life. I am more honest with myself and I’m braving deeper generosity in my interactions with others – in being seen and seeing with compassion – which in turn, has led to my natural spontaneity that was previously repressed.
Even as I go through this slow personal transformation process – I still experience a lot of my unconscious tendencies and, from time to time, I do struggle to see the positive in myself but I am being patiently guided towards that goal of self acceptance and self love. This on-going discovery of both positive and negative aspects of my true self gives me enormous courage and inspiration to become a better version of myself and to step into my feminine power more. It shapes my inner permission to feel safe and free in a way that not only serves me to share the gifts of my heart but also allows me to consciously open and close myself, as I choose.
For those that can work up the courage to embark upon the Tantric Journey, it is totally normal to feel some level of trepidation when opening up a very important and sacred part of your being. However rest assured that a marked feeling of freedom, increased energy, self confidence and self-esteem is most likely to be experienced, either immediately or gradually in order to live more fully within one’s own body as a whole, integrated, sexually-empowered being.