I felt very light energetically afterwards but by 10pm I was completely drained.
Tuesday morning I woke up with quit a lot of negative feelings about the session. I felt foolish for paying a ridiculous amount of money (for me) to let a man who is much older than me and I am not attracted to touch me, and it didn’t bring the results I hoped for. It didn’t help that both my friends I was staying with ejaculate regularly without even thinking about needing a tantric massage to help them, so that made me feel even more foolish and even less capable.
I am also premenstrual so the usual sensitivity, self-doubts and self-criticisms that come with that were amplified.
Today most of the negativity has cleared and I trust that there is a reason why I had to do it. I try to follow my intuition and I can’t beat myself up over the outcome of that. It was definitely a new experience and I am sure it has had all kinds of effects I am not yet conscious off. My friend made me feel better by mentioning that maybe the session prepared me for better experiences next time I make love to someone. I trust that. It can’t have done nothing to me.
I also believe that in the end every experience is a projection of my own mind which makes me curious about why my mind chose this experience.
I trust you don’t take any of this personally. As far as I can tell you did your job skillfully, professionally and with full commitment. It is just a very strange set-up and I think I might prefer to grow sexually with someone I have a strong connection with through practicing tantric/taoist lovemaking and growing together. Instead of this one-way treatment that I pay someone for. Money is a weird thing – it changes things even when I don’t want it to!
Thank you for the experience, I am sure it is one small step on a longer journey.